By Carnal Queen.
I’ll start by telling you a few things about me. Firstly, I’m a total power queen. Toys, regardless of their shape or size, will generally always find themselves ramped up to the highest speed very quickly, because I’m impatient and because I love intense, powerful stimulation. Secondly, I know what I like! I’ve been around a while, and I own and have tried a lot of sex toys, so by now I know what gets me off. By holding, feeling and playing with the settings on a toy, I generally get a good idea of how it will work for me, before it goes anywhere near my lady bits. Thirdly, I’m a fucking idiot! No point mincing my words, I thought I was relatively un-shockable, but I was so so wrong. I’ll be thinking twice in the future before I make assumptions and judge a toy based on how it looks and feels in just my hands … If it’s made to go in or near my vagina, then it’s my vagina that will decide!
When I was asked by Lovehoney to test and review the Womanizer Clitoral Stimulator back in November 2014, it was pretty much unheard of here in the UK, and I had no idea what to expect. To say I was a little surprised by what arrived is definitely an understatement. I mean, this thing is bloody hideous! Yes, its packaging is ok, no sleazy pictures of half naked people on it or anything like that, it’s feminine, and it’s inoffensive. It didn’t excite me though and I wasn’t exactly tearing my clothes off ready to test it out. You get a nice firm case to store it in, which is a nice added bonus, but even that’s pink … Shoot me now.
In the (pink) case you get a USB charging cable, a spare silicone attachment and a user manual – there’s already a silicone head fitted to the Womanizer unit, which just pulls off for easy cleaning. The (nasty pink) crystal is actually the mode button, which allows you to select one of the six intensity levels, and the only other button on the unit is an on/off button. There’s a pull out tab at the top which allows you to access the charging port.
I’d convinced myself that this product was going to be a total letdown. I questioned my femininity, I hated the pink, I hated the leopard print, and I wasn’t a fan of the big blingy pink crystal button either – maybe I’m not normal? After having a read through the manual, I turned my unit on … WOW, was that fucking it?
The motor fired up and began chugging away. Chugging is a good word, it’s not extremely loud, but because it doesn’t vibrate it has a very unique sound. The moment I put the head onto the skin on the back of my hand it seemed to lose all power and slowed to something I could barely feel. My toy was fully charged, I checked again to make sure I wasn’t going crazy, no it definitely was charged to the max … Was that really as good as it got?
Well, a sex toy tester has got to do what a sex toy tester has got to do – I’d committed to giving this thing a thorough road test, so test it I would do! My brain had already started thinking of negative adjectives to describe this monstrosity as I gently parted my labia to position the head over my clitoris … That’s where losing my Womanizer virginity starts to become a bit of a blur, I can’t really tell you much more to be honest, all I know is that my orgasm hit me like a fucking freight train in well under a minute and I was left feeling shell shocked and close to tears…
Did I mention that this toy is pink? I DON’T CARE ANYMORE! It could be covered in a thousand tiny spiders and it wouldn’t put me off or stop me from using it, I need it! It might look like a cross between an ear thermometer and a ladyshave, but it’s freakin awesome! I’ve never seen or felt anything like it before – it’s practically a non contact sex toy, allowing you a contactless orgasm.
No more overstimulation and numbing of your clit, just divine, beautiful sensations that leave you satisfied and spent. I really don’t like referring to the Womanizer as a sex toy, because to me it absolutely isn’t. Sex toys conjure up a carnal, raw image to me, I reach for my sex toys when I’m feeling horny and need a fix, or for use with my other half during sex. With this there’s no raunchy thrusting, no sexy penetration noises … It’s unique!
Essentially, the Womanizer sucks your clitoris to climax, but don’t get thinking you could just stick your hoover on your lady garden and get the same results! I find this so gentle, it’s exquisite, it truly is! Obviously you can delay your orgasm by moving the head around a bit, but realistically, it feels so damn good I doubt you’ll want to. It feels pretty amazing on your nipples too! This is on a whole other level, I’m totally in love with it, and there’s no way on earth that I’m parting with it!
Would I have bought it after looking at the unit online? No, I wouldn’t if I’m honest, and that’s why I’m an idiot. Never judge a book by its cover. Testing this has totally reiterated that lesson to me!
Since November, the Womanizer has attracted lots of attention, most people rave about how amazing it is, and I’ve only spoken to a couple of people who can’t get on with it. It’s certainly a new way of self pleasure, the knack for me is in the stillness, and lying still when wanking isn’t something we’re used to doing is it! Give in though, lie still, let it take control of you. I love how I can pick this up and within 1 minute I can have had an amazing, breathtaking orgasm, without any uncomfortable overstimulation or indeed any bloody effort from me. If a sex toy could roll over and give you a hug, the Womanizer would be that sex toy. It’s like a quick dose of happiness, who needs drugs? 60 seconds with this baby and I can get on with my day with a big smile on my face!
I know we are all different, and what works for me might not necessarily work for you, but with Lovehoney’s amazing 365 day returns policy you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Open your eyes to a new experience, you might be as pleasantly surprised as I was. Every day I love this toy more and more, so much so that I want to get a ‘spare’ – I couldn’t be without it!
Lovehoney sent me the Womanizer for free, in exchange for an honest and unbiased review, this has in no way affected my thoughts and experiences, all opinions are my own. Affiliate links have been used in this post.